She yells at me, “You’re generous, but you’re also selfish!”
After a regrouping moment of standing with my mouth wide open, I’m ready for my comeback. I stop myself…as it occurs to me that I don’t need a comeback or a lengthy explanation. Neither would be helpful. (I understand that her abandonment issues are up.) Side note: I chose to help her with her abandonment issues instead…the real issue.
Why was I being called selfish? (What brought up her abandonment issues?) Simply…I was choosing what I wanted over what she wanted.
I was choosing ME!
It’s not always easy to choose ourselves.
Here’s how some of my clients express their fear of being labeled as selfish: (Of choosing themselves)
“But what about what others will think?”
“Won’t I be thought of as selfish?”
“What will my family think of me?”
“I might hurt their feelings.”
Or…sometimes they give excuses to try and mask their fear:
“I can’t take the time for that!” (That being what sits in their hearts.)
“My (fill in the blank) ________ will think I’ve went off the deep end!”
“I couldn’t possibly do that!” (Or, “…think like that!”)
And on and on it goes…
There was a time in my life when I too thought it important, even vital, to give up (not be selfish) for others. Sometimes the giving up was obvious: not taking a class so my other wouldn’t feel threatened, saying yes to something when I my gut was screaming no, following the in-group to be accepted.
Sometimes the giving up was not so obvious: swallowing my words, thoughts and feelings, playing small or dumb just so others can feel good about themselves, doing things for others that I truly don’t want to do, and pretending I don’t care when I do.
I know that if I were willing to keep on doing what others want and deny myself what I want (be selfish) …my life’s reflections would be distorted, much like looking into a carnival mirror.
If I were not committed to ME (to being selfish)…
I would not have taken the many classes, workshops, retreats, etc.
I would not be doing the work I now do. (I wouldn’t have the background, know-how, or emotional maturity for it)
I would not be living in Hawaii.
I would not be the person I AM today!
Then who would I be?
I would be someone else’s definition of me: I would be distorted!
When I share with a client what her soul wants for her, which is equivalent to being selfish, I’m not just offering a few simple techniques, no it’s much more than that, I’m offering her – HER!
I will keep on choosing ME and I will keep on helping others choose themselves. And together we will define ourselves – we will be selfish.
How about you? Do you find yourself living according to what others want for you? Are you defined by others? If so, what change can you make to choose YOU? (To be selfish)
Thanks for choosing to hang out with me.
I appreciate YOU!!
Love and gratitude,